Afternoon Nap
My house (notice its no longer my' Dream Home') is badly situated. The local watering hole is not far away. And like flies to a fetid wound Rednecks appear the minute it opens up. Normally though at such an early hour it is just men in there.
Well you can imagine my surprise when I go to get into my car one day to find a couple sound asleep at the end of my driveway. There they lay, the two sleeping beauties, cuddled up together, the woman snoring loudly. A local passed by, nodded and said, 'Lovely day.' Could he not see them? Was I imagining all this? Now I'm a kind soul so I decided it would be mean to run them over.
I'm sure in my defence I could have said to the judge 'I didn't see them your honour. How often do you expect to find to drunk people sleeping at the end of ones driveway?'
But I kindly gave the Sleeping Gentleman a prod with my foot.
'Excuse me,' I ventured, 'Would you mind moving.'
'What? he grumbled, 'Oh yeah aye sure mate, give us a minute eh.' He gave Mrs Snoring a prod.
'Eh? What? Come ere and give us a cuddle Mr Sleeping Gentleman.' She rolled onto her back and spread hers arms out. I denied my urge to get a hammer and nails and crucify her where she lay.
And he did. He rolled on top of her at the end of my driveway and began shoving his tongue down her throat. She reciprocated by giving his arse a big squeeze and rocking him from side to side. I hadn't had lunch yet so thankfully there was little in my stomach. Although the way she was kissing him I assumed she was sucking his last pint of Wife Beater Bitter out of him.
I watched horrified, but transfixed. Despite myself I couldn't take my eyes off the spectical. Was my driveway listed on some dogging site as the place to be? Was Jeremy Beadle hiding round a corner with his annoying little grin, clutching his microphone? Had I actually woke up today? Maybe I was having a bad dream.
Finally they stopped. He stood up and helped her up.
'Sorry bout that mate. Must have fallen asleep.' he said. She smiled sheepishly at me and off they stumbled down the road.
Well you can imagine my surprise when I go to get into my car one day to find a couple sound asleep at the end of my driveway. There they lay, the two sleeping beauties, cuddled up together, the woman snoring loudly. A local passed by, nodded and said, 'Lovely day.' Could he not see them? Was I imagining all this? Now I'm a kind soul so I decided it would be mean to run them over.
I'm sure in my defence I could have said to the judge 'I didn't see them your honour. How often do you expect to find to drunk people sleeping at the end of ones driveway?'
But I kindly gave the Sleeping Gentleman a prod with my foot.
'Excuse me,' I ventured, 'Would you mind moving.'
'What? he grumbled, 'Oh yeah aye sure mate, give us a minute eh.' He gave Mrs Snoring a prod.
'Eh? What? Come ere and give us a cuddle Mr Sleeping Gentleman.' She rolled onto her back and spread hers arms out. I denied my urge to get a hammer and nails and crucify her where she lay.
And he did. He rolled on top of her at the end of my driveway and began shoving his tongue down her throat. She reciprocated by giving his arse a big squeeze and rocking him from side to side. I hadn't had lunch yet so thankfully there was little in my stomach. Although the way she was kissing him I assumed she was sucking his last pint of Wife Beater Bitter out of him.
I watched horrified, but transfixed. Despite myself I couldn't take my eyes off the spectical. Was my driveway listed on some dogging site as the place to be? Was Jeremy Beadle hiding round a corner with his annoying little grin, clutching his microphone? Had I actually woke up today? Maybe I was having a bad dream.
Finally they stopped. He stood up and helped her up.
'Sorry bout that mate. Must have fallen asleep.' he said. She smiled sheepishly at me and off they stumbled down the road.
posted by reducedcapacity at 3:02 PM
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